Brendon was Dux of Aquinas - Humanities

Brendon

BRENDON'S STORIES

1

POOR SHIT

Mum ,Dad & I were at home sitting in front of the heater one night. We were all quiet when Dad suddenly announced

"Thank God Mother we had this poor shit otherwise there would only be the two of us"……..I took it as a compliment!

2

THE PIE

Dad took Michael and I to the local footy at Mitcham one Saturday and on the way out he bought us a pie. In the back seat of

the car we argued over who would have the pie. In the end I shouted at Michael….you can have the f-----g pie! Dad promptly

stopped the car and I said to him…..I'm walking home aren't I? Yep he said so I got out and had to walk all the way home from

Mitcham with Michael eating the pie and smiling at me through the rear window!

3

KENNEDY'S

Dad and I used to visit the Kennedy's in Kendall St every Sunday morning after Mass. One morning Kevin Kennedy (God rest his

soul) blurted out……You only come round here for the free biscuits and lemonade. Dad promptly replied…..Well it certainly

isn't for the pleasure of your company! I think I stopped visiting after that.

4

THE KITE

One afternoon in Coleraine Balley had made this magnificent kite which he was proudly flying. Unfortunately I ran past and

broke the string and the kite sailed off never to be seen again. Balley chased me cursing …..Come here you little shit!!!

5

SHANE BALKIN

Shane Balkin was visiting one day and asked Dad if he could drive him to the train station to go home. Shane had very long hair

at the time and Dad had christened him The Black Prince. Dad said he would drive him but only if he lay on the back seat of the

car so no-one could see him. He didn't like long hair or beards!

6

ANGELINA PLUM

Angela Jeffries used to visit and stay at our place a lot. I attended Aunty Colleen's funeral recently where I spotted Angela who had

come down from Sydney for the funeral. Upon coming back from communion I whispered to her as I went past…..G'day Plum which

brought a big smile to her face. Dad had christened her Angelina Plum after the name of a Fruit Tree.

7

WHY I GET CALLED JIM

When I was very young Dad used to take me to the local footy at Ringwood. I would get in the players huddle as close to the

Coach as I could at the quarter breaks. Dad used to say that I reminded him of Jim Dehennan who was a little fella who used to do

the same thing at the Coleraine football.

8

MEETING THE IN LAWS

The family was invited to the Dicks to meet Jenny's parents for the first time. When Dad pulled up outside this palatial Toorak

Mansion he said….. Bugger this we're going home….we can't go in there. Imagine his embarrasment when he tramped dog shit all

over their magnificent white carpet!

9

BOTTLE OF WINE

Dad told the story about how one night when working on the railways he found a bottle of wine on one of the seats. He had friends

around for tea one night and proudly brought out his newly acquired bottle of wine. He was horrified when he discovered (after

everybody had had a few mouthfuls) that the wine was actually urine which one of the train travellers had used the wine bottle

to relieve themselves in!

10

FIGHT NIGHT

Dad and I most Monday nights would watch TV Ringside after Mum went to bed. We would both score the fights and compare our

scorecards to debate who had won. Many great nights were spent watching the likes of Manny Santos,Kahu Mahanga,

Hilary Connelly etc

11

THE DUCKS

Dad's pride and joy were his mountain ducks. He built a duck pen in the backyard along with their own bath (which Kevin fell in one

night when under the influence but that's another story). With names such as Grumpy & Little Duck so many times Dad and I would

have to search the local neighbourhood and knock on doors trying to find the ducks when they invariably flew away.

12

NO POSSIBLE HOPE

Speaking of Dad's ducks, Michael brought Marg around to Daisy Street for the first time. We were all hiding behind the curtains

to check her out. Imagine our horror when after being pecked on the back of her leg she yelled….Piss off you bloody duck!

After Mum got up off the floor, Dad said……This has no possible hope of lasting! He was wrong and 20 plus years later……….

13

ODD ANGRY SHOT

John upset one of the neighbour's kids one day who the went home and grabbed his air rifle and fired a shot at John which just

whizzed past him. As John had upset me on several occassions I did imagine if he had been a better shot.

14

CHOCOLATES TO BOILED LOLLIES

When Dad went to the races which wasn't that often, if he won he would bring home crayfish or if he had had an ordinary day

he would bring us home voilet crumbles. Dad would take the train in so I would wait outside the driveway and gaze up the road

to see the result. If I saw Dad with the crayfish I would race inside and yell out…..He's won!!. Unfortunately it wasn't a

common occurrence.

15

4 & 6

Dad would study the formguide religiously on Friday night for hours before announcing on Saturday morning……Bugger it it's too

hard today I'll just take 4 & 6 in the Daily Double. We went to Moonee Valley one day and Dad took quinellas with 4 & 6 all day

before deciding to leave before the last race to beat the traffic. We got to the car as the last race was being run and we turned

round to check the result…….sure enough 4 & 6. It was a very quiet trip home!

16

SORE HEAD

Balley was staying with us one night and got home very late after a big day at the races. I was sleeping in the bed next to him

and was horrified to wake up the next morning and find his head covered in blood. I immediately thought that he must have got

into a fight at the races but then realised the cause of his injury was in fact my huge Radio Cassette Recorder which had fallen on him

during the night……..I wasn't sure if he was unconscious or asleep……I think he was both!

17

I DID WARN YOU!

Speaking of Radios, Kevin and I were outside one day when some local youth were on our naturestrip playing some very loud music

on the Radio. Kevin asked nicely as they were on our naturestrip if they could turn the music down. After denying Kevin's initial

request he asked this time if they could turn it off. After failing to comply with either request, Kevin grabbed the radio and hurled

it as far as he could with the words………….I did warn you!!!!

18

THE EASY BOY

I think you all remember the Easy Boy which Mum and indeed most of us would recline on in the back room. One day I heard

this cussing and swearing and I don't think I've ever laughed as loud as when I found Uncle Jack trapped in the Easy Boy as it

buckled around him. Every day I saw that Easy Boy I had a quiet chuckle to myself.

19

BACK SCRATCHES

Dad certainly loved his back and hair being scratched. He would lie on the kitchen floor (or indeed anywhere in the house on

the floor) and invite you to scratch his back or hair. You could even do it during one of our infrequent Rosaries!!

20

SCHOOL BULLY

If I could indulge myself I will relate a school yard experience. Michael Brittain was the school bully at Aquinas who one day came up

behind me and hit me in the most uncomfortable of areas with a piece of wood. In pure pain and anger I turned around and landed

a beautiful right hook on his jaw with all of my 46kilos. Upon realising that my life was in danger with this reckless but provoked

reaction I indeed ran for my life with half the school following to find out what sort of retribution Michael would take on me. I raced

around a school building and in a moment of inspiration (or fear) realised that a window was slightly ajar. In a piece of precision

timing I was able to pull the window fully out just as Michael came around the corner. It caught him flush in the head and was knocked

out cold. As I was the only one to witness this incident, I was able to stand over his prostate body with my fist clenched as my

school mates then took in this most impossible result…….I had knocked Michael Brittain out! Needless to say for the rest of my

Aquinas days I was looked at in awe and new boys were warned……stay away from Kaney he has a mean streak!

21

SHOPPING

Back to Dad he hated shopping! He would take Mum shopping but I never actually witnessed him going inside any store. He would

stay outside and talk to all and sundry and regale them with his stories. He loved a good chat way more than shopping!

22

LOST MY SPIN!

Dad was intrigued with the art of leg spin bowling. After bowling for countless hours in the backyard on our concrete pitch if he

thought 'he had lost his spin' would then spend countless hours trying to get it back by spinning a cricket ball on the kitchen table.

23

THE PARTNERSHIP

Dad had to be nearly 50 and hadn't played competitive cricket for years when he filled in for Kevin's senior side. The game was played

against Norwood at Norwood and I had never seen Dad play before so I was pretty excited. I was so disappointed when Dad & Kevin

both failed and the side was dismissed cheaply. Norwood then piled on the runs and declared well in front. Dad who hadn't opened

the innings then went up to the Captain and said……Right me and young Kevin will open and we will not lose outright!

The bowling was quick and lethal but the partnership quietly built. Dad solid and reliable playing the sheet anchor while the young

bull took em on. As luck would have it Dad did his hamstring (that must be where I got it from) and had to retire as he neared

his 50. Kevin kept going and got 80 odd and Dad was so disappointed when he got out. To this day I think it was Kevin's highest score

and probably only time he got to 50. Needless to say the Kane's saved the day!

24

I DID WARN YOU! (Part 2)

I was playing for Ringwood RSL U14's when they asked me to fill in for one of their senior sides. Dad drove me to the ground and they

promptly put the young fella down at fine leg and made me run from fine leg to fine leg. It was a stinking hot day and Dad got out

of the car and warned the Captain that if he kept me running from fine leg to fine leg he would take me home. The Captain did not

heed the warning and Dad bundled me into the car and we went straight home.

25

FIRST HUNDRED

I was so happy when Dad was there to see me make my first hunded. It was on the Aquinas bottom ground against East Ringwood

and yes I did bat most of the day. The look on Dad's face was priceless and he was so proud. It was such a good feeling that I went on

and made another 3 hundreds for the year but unfortuntely it was this only time that Dad saw me make a ton.

26

TORTOISE AND THE HARE

I hope Michael remembers this story. We were playing at Bayswater No 2 & 3 Ovals which were adjoining. I was playing for Ringwood

on one oval and he was playing for Johnson Park on the other oval. I opened the batting and played myself in while Michael batted at

No 4. Johnson Park lost a couple of wickets so Michael strode to the crease. As luck would have it here we were….two brothers batting

together albeit on different grounds. Sure enough he overtook me in no time and raced to his 50 and at tea time was 50 odd not out

while I was carefully crafting a solid 30 odd not out. Michael kept hitting balls on to my ground while I hardly found the boundary.

I suddenly heard a shout and sure enough he had holed out in the deep for a quickfire 84. I kept my head down and grinded out a

dour hundred which I'm not sure Michael stayed around to watch. Classic Tortoise and the Hare (I was the Tortoise by the way!)

27

ROLLED OVER

Im sure Michael will remember this story! We had an old roller up the back yard which we used to roll the pitch with. Upon daring

by Paddy Mooney , Michael climbed on the roller and tried to walk on it as Paddy pushed it. Sure enough Michael fell off and

broke his wrist necessitating Dad to construct a concrete pitch (by Jack Grey) and get rid of the Roller.

28

DUCK FOR COVER

Continuing with the cricket bent I will never forget when we were playing backyard cricket with the Aitch's (Wally & Sandy) …..I think

that's how it was spelt. In all the years we played up The Top we had never broken Aitch's window as Dad had the common sense

to build the pitch 1 metre from the back fence (pity about his Glasshouse windows but!) As luck would have it Sandy was bowling to

Wally and the Kane's were only fielding. Wally has unleashed a bullet like on drive……straight through Aitch's window. We were all

scared of Mrs Aitch so we took off in all directions and left Wally & Sandy to deal with her wrath.

29

EDUCATING THE NEIGHBOURS

Dad liked to impart his knowledge of leg spin bowing to his neighbours namely Paddy Warner & Spud Murphy . To Dad's chagrin Paddy

could only bowl an offie and spent countless hours trying to get him to bowl a leg break let alone a wrongun. With Spud it was more

trying to teach him how to bowl let alone turn it. As it was Spud took a 'shine' to Mum in later life but unfortunately for Spud his

affections were not returned.

30

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

The previous tale reminds me of the time when I visited Mum at Waldreas and she was a bit embarrassed and upset over an alleged

incident that had occurred the previous day. She was quite adamant that Kevin Taggart a long and dear trusted friend (whom Mum

had previously dated) had tried to climb into bed with her whilst visiting. I was incredulous that such a thing could occur and I put it down

to Mum's slowly developing dementia. On reflection it could be true……..it would explain why I have a big nose!

31

OFF THE HOOK

John took Jenny and I fishing to Yarra Glen when they were courting. John set me up with rod and reel while he and Jenny retreated to

the comfort of the car. Unfortunately for John I kept catching fish (bloody eels) and disturbing his courting activities. Things went quiet

after a while and no more fish were to be caught. John fessed up later that he was sick of me catching fish and curtailing his activities and

that indeed after the last fish I had caught he had not put any bait on my hook!!

32

THE LOG

Speaking of John's nesting habits reminds me of that most romantic spot namely The Log. It was situated next to the cricket pitch

and many a ball was lost there and involved much retrieving. But it was better known as the rendezvous point for John and his very

close neighbour Levina . John was infatuated with Levina to such an extent that her name was written under every ornament and even

in the dang house. I thought it would be funny (which it was) to cake The Log in mud and for the love birds to sit in it. They would meet

on The Log at night so being dark they didn't see the mud. Hence my extreme merriment when I heard John yell out……I'll get you

you little shit! (seems to be a common theme for me)

33

THE WASHING OF THE FEET

Mum & Dad always attended the Easter Ceremonies but Dad only ever officiated in one…..Holy Thursday. Mum volunteered Dad for the

washing of the feet and much against his wishes got up with 9 other 'volunteers'. Dad was last in line and to Mum's absolute horror

Dad got the giggles when they started washing his feet. He came down off the altar very sheepish and safe to say it was the one and

only time he participated in the Ceremonies.

34

CAUGHT OUT

Mum always had to get to Mass early so her & I would get there at 8.30am for 9.00am Mass. Mum would go inside the church and I would

stay in the car telling Mum I would go in 5 minutes before Mass started. But I stayed in the car preferring to read the Sunday paper

and catch up with race and footy results etc. This went on for a long time until one Sunday Mum asked me what I thought of the choir.

I replied that I thought they were exceptionally good today at which Mum looked at me quizzically and informed me that that was a

strange comment given that there had been no choir that day. I was a good attendee after that!

35

POTATO PIE

I sure do love my Potato Pie. Brian cooks a very good Potato Pie but as I always tell him……Its very good but not as good as Mum's!

Every weekend when I came home from Colac she would ask me before I went to the local footy what I wanted for tea. Invariably I would

request Potato Pie (with Chicken Noodle soup in Winter) and Mum with a pained expression would say…..Not again!!! We would then

have leftover potato pie for Sunday tea. I did love Mum's cooking!!!

36

SHE'S GONE

When Mum was dying we all took turns by her bedside. However Kevin did not want to see her like that and decided he couldn't do it.

But towards the end he decided it wasn't fair for the rest of the family and that he would visit Mum. He came down from Ballarat and

did the graveyard (sorry) shift from midnight on. I got a phone call less than an hour later from Kevin who informed me that he thought

Mum had gone. Gone where? I asked him. I think she's died he replied. Have you asked the Doctors? No he replied I rang you. Kevin got

the doctor and confirmed his diagnosis that Mum had indeed passed away. He was so thankful that he visited Mum and I believe to this

day that she held on just to be with him. Kevin came back to Daisy Street along with Michael & Margaret and we stayed up till 4am

swapping stories and were so relieved that Mum had found peace.

37

SILENT NIGHT

As part of Mum's bedside vigil rotation, I did the midnight to dawn shift. I sat there with Mum and read a book most of the night and

not a word was spoken. I was relieved by Brian & Kate in the early morning who proceeded to chat away to Mum about what had been

happening and catching up on all their news……..even resorting to singing to her. I asked the nurse whether Mum could hear us and she

replied that it was possible as who would know?? I reflected as I left that if Mum could indeed hear that it had been a very quiet night

for her and quite rude of me not to have spoken. I was never going to sing to her but!

38

HAND BALL

Tommy Eveston prided himself on his cricket ability especially his batsmanship. However he met his match when he faced up to his

tear away quick nephew John Kane who played top level cricket. Facing up to John on the backyard concrete pitch he taunted John that

even though he was well past his best he wasn't scared of the young fella and that he should give it his best. Instead of lengthening

his run up he shortened it which us Kane boys knew was going to be ominous for poor Tommy. We all had been at the end of a pounding

from John off the short run cause he would invariably pitch the ball in the grass just before the half concrete pitch and it would rear

menacingly at your throat. This ball was delivered even more menacingly and reared even higher straight at Tommy's head. Whether

it was good luck or good reflexes Tommy deflected the missile away from his temple with his open hand with only inches to spare.

An ashen faced Tommy decided to retire almost fatally hurt never to return to the crease.

39

CRAYFISH

Dad certainly loved his crayfish! I remember going our for tea one night at a restaurant which we didn't do very often. He only had

a steak as he couldn't afford the Crayfish. Customers on an adjoining table did order the Crayfish and he was very envious of their

good fortune. They finished the Crayfish but Dad was aghast……….."they've left the best bits!' Quick as a flash before the table was cleared

Dad grabbed the leftover Crayfish and cracked the bones to get every last morsel. Steak & Crayfish….he was in heaven!

40

MURIEL'S PUNTING

Muriel, Jenny's mother was a lovely woman and her and Dad got along famously. She and Danny as she called him loved to get together

and discuss the horses. She had totally no interest in horses and punting till she met Dad and he was very proud that he had introduced

her to this pursuit. Don't know whether she ever cottoned on to his 4 & 6 theory??

41

DLP

Dad was a staunch DLP supporter who handed out how to vote cards and was very passionate. Imagine his disappointment when he

learned I didn't vote DLP and in fact called them Dirty Little Prawns! Kevin Carroll approached me after Dad died to take his place

handing out the How To Vote Cards but I politely declined. After Dad died I know Mum felt guilty when she switched allegiances to the LIBS.

42

BENNY HILL

At 7.00pm we watched Hogan's Heroes 7.30 This Day Tonight 8.00 Coles Quiz and 8.30 was our choice. Mum was very critical if we watched

Benny Hill and ask us to change the channel as she considered him lewd. Dad would support her in this endeavour but couldn't help

himself and would laugh at his comicry. When Mum was out of the room he would ask us to put it back on Benny Hill but for gods sake

don't let your mother catch you!!

43

PLEASANT SUNDAYS

Mum would nearly always cook a roast on Sunday while Dad would take us into the lounge room and make us watch the great man

Bob Santamaria in Point of View. After that we would watch World of Sport and Dad especially loved old Jack O'Toole and the woodchop.

He once took me to the Royal Show just to show me Jack in action. Then we would watch the VFA Footy with Phil Gibbs, Ted Henrys etc and

the Dandy Dollar Dash followed by a kick of the footy up The Top. I liked Sundays

44

MAHONEY

Clem Mahoney once a month would come to Sunday tea. He would bring a few long necks and it was one of the rare occasions that Dad

would drink at home. Mum would even have a Shandy! I would sit round for hours listening to Dad & Mahoney chat about the old days

and especially looked forward to the Cream Puffs and Cream Lillies. We would then go to bed with a promise of the chocolate that he

brought although Mum would always get the Chocolate Eclairs which we would be envious of. I was so glad I visited Mahoney in Coleraine

the week before he died.

45

THE TOP

We all spent many joyous years playing footy and cricket up The Top. Hitting the back door on the full with my plastic footies from The Top

became a specialty after much practice (getting over the Quince Tree was hard). Mum was not so impressed with my markmanship.

Gliding the ball past the chookhouse down to Cox's fence was another well crafted speciality hence my penchant for the late cut.

The little sandtrap near the chookhouse was perfect for golf and the duck bath well situated for Rochie to drop the cricket ball in when

he had had enough. How fitting was it for Dad to spend his final minutes……..up The Top.

46

THE BEACH

Dad hated going to the beach! Too hot and too many bloody flies he complained. He would much prefer a quiet fish and I can never actually

remember him venturing onto any sand. To this day I don't think any of the Kane boys are what you would call beach people.

47

THE GREY'S

The Grey's were our neighbours and Dad had knicknames for each of them. The ones I can remember are Old John Grey, Penguin and of

course Hammer Head. Old John Grey was his favourite and he would come to our place every school day to walk with Michael to school.

Michael was always late and John was very punctual which annoyed him.

48

GIRLS

A big regret of Dad's life is that he/we/us never had any girls in the family. Brian will correct me here but I don't think there was a girl

in the Kane family for 99 years. Dad always complained that…..when are you buggers gonna give us a girl?? As for me he used to say……I don't

hold out much hope for that poor shit! As luck would have it Dad passed away just months before Hayley was born. Mum when she was asked

said she was so proud of her boys and so lucky and wouldn't have it any other way. As for me………..Dad was right!

49

FARTING (FLUFFING)

Mum had an aversion to the word 'fart'. You could say bloody and shit and even the "C" word (well maybe not) and get away with it but

not fart. You had to say fluffed or let off but never ever…..fart! I remember Mum telling the story about her and Aunty Maureen on one

of their trips staying in a Hotel and breaking up into fits of laughter about the bloke next door who couldn't stop 'fluffing'.

50

CEMETERY

5oth and last. I know I should and I havent for a long time and that's visit Mum & Dad's grave in Lilydale. I remember Mum lovingly tending

to Dad's plot and always bringing new flowers. But as you can see from the stories above I remember Mum & Dad every day in one way

or another and looking around this house now that I grew up in I am surrounded by such wonderful memories. That being said……bugger it

I'm going to the Cemetery tomorrow and taking Max with me!

51

THE BAT

Thought of another one that just had to go in. Dad hated flies and if he ever sighted one inside the house he would come up with his

famous war cry…….Where's the Bat?? He would grab the Fly Swat and extract vengeance on his unsuspecting prey.

Thought of this additional story the other day……………….IT'S A MIRACLE!

Mum and Dad had gone on holiday and I was entrusted with the onerous task of looking after the family dog Rochey.

Unfortunately he broke into the garage (I probably had left it open) and had eaten some of Dad's poisonous chemicals.

I heard this commotion in the garage and to my absolute horror found  Rochey convulsing with foam

coming from his mouth. In a mad panic I raced into Mum & Dad's bedroom and grabbed some Holy Water Mum had got from

Lourdes. I rushed back and poured it over Rochey and low and behold he recovered in a matter of minutes. When Mum & Dad

got home the first question they asked was how is Rochey?. I said I have good news and bad news. The good news is that

Rochey is OK………………the bad news is that you need to go back to Lourdes for some more Holy Water!

1988/01/04

29

City of Colac

1991/92

33

Glen Park Back to Back Flags

1994/09/24

36

Colac Otway Shire

1996

38

3 Centuries 197no/148no/107

1999/2000

41

City United Back to Back Flags

2008/04/01

49

Retire

2009/03/31

50

Mum Died

2010

52

Buy Daisy Street

2011/01/08

52

Max

2013/09/26

55

Superannuation

2014

56

Backyard

2015

57

Ringwood VCA Flag

2015

57

Washington/New York/Cruise

2017

58

Front Yard/UK

2019

59

Italy/Switzerland