It has taken eleven rounds of veteran’s table tennis for it to happen, but Steve Clayton has finally been beaten. A devious plot had been hatched over many late nights with the help of a couple of lovely chardonnays and café lattes by that old master of all things cunning, Geoffrey Elkins. The “Elk” feigned either injury or unavailability for this round and he just happened to arrange the best qualified replacement in the entire world to compete in his stead. The great man himself, Sir Peter Humphries, a much exalted god in the world of table tennis, accepted the challenge to step up from the lowly A grade competition played on Wednesdays to the far superior veteran’s ranks.
Clayton has absolutely spanked all the old veterans this season and has put each one of them to bed without a whimper. Clayton just smashes everyone off the table and gives nobody any mercy, as a real professional does. Sir Peter has won something like 22 consecutive A grade club championships and the table tennis fraternity just bow in honour whenever he and Lady Humphries enter the stadium.
Clayton won the first two sets and the result seemed inevitable to the delirious Clayton camp. However Humphries won the next two sets to set up one of the most exciting battles seen in veteran’s ranks for decades. I have never seen anything like this happen before, but during this fifth set every person stopped their game (and we are talking 50 players) to tune into what was happening in court number one. Humphries iced Clayton in the decider to complete one of the most spectacular individual displays of power table tennis you would ever want to witness. On the strength of Humphries’ win, Gasconades won this gargantuan tussle against a gallant Underdogs six rubbers to five. In addition to Humphries’ three wins, Greg Whelan won two rubbers and Frank Marcollo was completely over-awed by the occasion and scored a big zero. For the Dogs, Clayton won two rubbers whilst Peter Moore and Peter Menzel each scored a single win. Wow, what a game!
*Everything else is a bit boring compared with court number one, but please seem interested. Dingbats just edged out Sheedy Pies in another good contest, six rubbers to five. The Coroner, Ian Menzel, again won his three rubbers and a very dexterous Rob Penny continued his recent blistering form by winning his required two rubbers. The Pies were most disappointed by this loss but they were distracted by the Humphries roadshow. Maurice Jolly and Peter Anson won two rubbers and John Crane a single scalp. Jolly just doesn’t seem too fit at the moment and probably should sign up for one of those exercise and diet programs you see every night on “A Current Affair”.
*Just like the other two games, the battle between Kel Kath and Kim and the Ephemerals had the same score line, six rubbers to five with victory going to the KKK’s. John Kane and Annette Moore won two rubbers each, whilst the affable Bill Edge won a single. Moore added one of the biggest scalps to her belt when she clobbered Kevin Fitzgerald. Moore has a rapacious appetite for success and her newly developed monstrous backhand is scaring some players. Denys Dodd and Fitzgerald both won two rubbers to almost sink the comedy trio. In the battle of the Coleraine squattocracy, Fitzgerald belted Kane in four easy sets. These clans have been feuding in Ireland since the 1600’s for supremacy of the Irish bog and it is sad to say that the Fitzgeralds still have the superior firepower after all those years.
*In the remaining A grade match, Sooz Boyz had a comfortable win over Hayseeds eight rubbers to three. Gerard Lucas coasted to three easy wins and he didn’t even have to take off his tuxedo during the evening, such was the ease with which he smashed his opponents. The Hatchet Man, John Crane, won his required two rubbers with chilling precision and Franco Cozzo (Sue Irvin) added one win to the slate. With Barry Hay still swanning around the world in opulent creature comforts, his team is not going all that well really. Wendy Hobbes tried hard for two gutsy wins and the celestial Keith Bell (who has trouble with his Telstra bills) chimed in with one good win. Robyn Donovan came out of retirement to have one last battle with sister, Sue Irvin, but found her cupboard was bare.
In a bit of a surprise result, fourth placed Jumaro handed out a nice old hiding to third team, Three Wise Monkeys, nine rubbers to two. For the winners, Ron Gledhill won three rubbers and this old fella is a real class act. However the real star was the diminutive Marlene Venning, who also smashed her way to three fantastic wins. Venning goes about her business in a quiet way and she has very cunningly escaped the glare of the media and her opponents. This young lady is getting better with each outing and she just laughs at pressure during the big games. Julie Mason also played impressively for one great win. The Monkeys are a bit ordinary at the moment and unless their superstar, Jeff Schurmann, can fire up things might just get ugly. Both Schurmann and Helen White won a single rubber to complete a very uninspiring evening for the tree huggers.
*There was a great battle between Mia and the Belles, with the former winning six rubbers to five in a tense struggle. You would not find two more cagey, sly old foxes than Milton Thomas and Anne De Vries and their two wins each put them over the line. Ian Clare also played very well to win his required game and he completes a pretty handy little outfit. I finally have some dirt on De Vries, that seemingly model citizen from Coleraine. This man has a special key that will open most locks on older cars, particularly Holdens. So keep an eye on the carpark on Thursday nights and do not leave your grandma in the car! The evergreen Sue Wythe, who notched up three beautiful wins against the odds, again served the Belles magnificently. Any person who originates from out Tahara way has got to have a bit of class (except for Barry Hay of course) and she just loves her table tennis. The vivacious and multi talented Elizabeth McDonald won a single rubber and she always looks happy when she is away from her husband.
*Black Bears had an easy eight rubbers to three win over Blue Heelers to give them a sniff of finals fever. In a fantastic even team performance, Alan Austin, Carol Lawrence and Gay Forsyth each won two rubbers to completely overpower the Heelers. Austin has his team just clicking over beautifully at the present time and I would put a few Oxford Scholars on this mob to feature in the granny. Gerald Healy’s three wins were the only success for his team. This man is built like a hyena and he is just as dangerous and his opponents have huge respect for this boy.
*In the final B grade match, top side Bombers absolutely blew Ravens out of the water with a ten rubbers to one pizzling. The Bombers are miles out in front on the premiership table and they are cruising in overdrive at the moment. As expected Stuart McIntosh again blitzed his three opponents and he continues to be a shining light to all octogenarians who think they are knackered! The only way old Stuart can be beaten is if Peter Humphries fills in one night to challenge him. I’d like to see that! Ken Brand is also having a terrific season and his three wins just crushed the opposition even further. Not to be outdone, Robyn Burger added two wins to the ledger just for good measure. The only player to win a rubber for the Ravens was Graham Young. This fine young man bribed me with a beautiful slab of barramundi from his fishing adventures up north and I’m not writing anything bad about this boy.
John Kane