What a week it’s been in Veteran’s A grade table tennis. All matches were decided by the same margin, eight rubbers to three as the cream rose to the top just prior to the finals. A new star shot to prominence when Sue Irvin went berserk and Gerard Lucas really got slapped around in a big upset. Also it was husband versus wife, boyfriend versus girlfriend and boyfriend versus boyfriend. It was all happening in round sixteen.
I’m afraid the Olympic champion, Melissa Tapper, will have to share the limelight with the Veteran’s very own rising star, Sue Irvin. Promoted from B grade last year, Irvin has scared the hell out of quite a few of the old A graders this season with her persistent backhand, side spinning returns. Irvin’s biggest scalp of the evening was the Macedonian Marvel, Peter Anson, whom she clobbered in four exciting sets. Next she thrust the dagger into the Toecutter, John Crane, and then twisted it several times over four magnificent sets. Not satisfied with this booty of road kill, she stuck the old fangs into Andy McGrath who just managed to avoid being her third cadaver. Wow, what a magnificent performance from the young lady. Gerard Lucas was seen sooking after a surprise loss to McGrath and Peter Crane reversed his insipid form of last week to record three damaging wins. Crane put in a lonely week at the window factory as his workmates mocked him over his miserable form but he can now rejoin them in the lunchroom with his sullied reputation restored. For the losers, McGrath won two rubbers but John Crane and Anson were left humiliated and alone with absolutely no wins. Incidentally, McGrath was filling in for Maurice Jolly who pulled up sore after some gardening. Now that is soft – he was probably transplanting his pansies!
*Underdogs defeated Kel Kath and Kim in a very dominant performance. The Terminator, Steve Clayton, again treated his three opponents like crap and he is just bristles with skill and confidence. Paul Rogers also won three rubbers, including the big grudge match against John Kane. Rogers and Kane have been eying each other off for years without actually drawing a bat in anger and they each decided to bet one hundred acres of farmland on the result. After five gruelling sets, I am sad to report that Rogers is the new owner of some magnificent Coleraine land to compliment the shallow, rocky dirt he has in Paschendale. Where is Paschendale anyway? Peter Moore, a charming old geezer, won three fifths of five eights of not much. Kane, Glenys Dixon and Annette Moore each won one rubber in a miserable performance by the comedy triad. Of particular interest was the match between the happily married couple (she’s married and he’s happy) Annette and Peter Moore. Annette smashed the old bloke to again assert herself as the dominant partner in this little love nest.
*Gasconades defeated Hayseeds in a pretty predictable result. The terrifying green skinned figure of the Incredible Hulk, Greg Whelan, was in devastating form as he smashed three opponents off the table in a crazed attack punctuated with arrogance and hostility. The Hulk is a nasty bit of work and he will cause a lot of trouble if his team can stay in the finals race. Everybody’s favourite great grandfather, Geoff Elkins, was sufficiently motivated by the Hulk’s heroics to very delicately garrotte two unsuspecting opponents. Elkins just soaks up all the criticism or accolades I throw at this man each week and comes back for more. What a character, what a rhinoceros. The Godfather, Frankie Marcollo, gunned down one opponent to keep his reputation in tact. For the Seeds, Alois Kniebeiss smiled his way to two gutsy wins against the odds and the reverend gentleman himself, Bishop Keith Bell secured a single victory amid some heavy fire. Robyn Donovan, a very pleasant young lady indeed, was extremely graceful during three defeats.
*In the remaining A grade game, Ding Bats defeated Ephemerals in a lacklustre little affair. The Coroner, Ian Menzel, belted his three opponents all around the ring to show case to his fans the complete biology lesson centring on dismembering body parts. The gangster, Billy Edge won two terrific battles once officials cleaned up the mess made by the Coroner. The Smiling Assassin, Raelene Roberts, won her required game with a lovely bit of class. For the Ephemerals, big Kev Fitzgerald was excited as he chalked up two wins amid his team’s carnage and this old fella still has what it takes to match it with the big boys. Denys Saddam Dodd has just lost his way in the sport at the present time and his single win was an ordinary return for this fine young man. Partnering the “Dodgy Bros”, Fitzgerald and Dodd, Wendy Colcott was uninspired to record a blob.
In what was a real bloodbath of biblical proportions, topside Bombers crushed second placed Mia ten rubbers to one in a real show of strength prior to the finals. Stewie McIntosh and Ken Brand were on fire as they both gutted their three opponents and left their hides hanging on Greg Whelan’s caravan park fence. It just doesn’t get any more vicious than when these two old blokes went on the rampage to assert their team’s dominance. Robyn Burger liked what she saw from the boys and decided to swallow the angry pills and her two wins were just as brutal. This mob are mongrels and if you bob your head up, they will kick it. What can you say about Mia? Milton Thomas scored the only win for his team and he left the stadium in a daze knowing he has to face them again in the finals. Anne De Vries and Ian Clare were running on empty during the frenzied attack and they need to take a mirror to bed and wake up to themselves.
*Blue Heelers just grabbed the points against Ravens six rubbers to five in a fantastic battle of age, nerves and bluster. Gerald Healy won two rubbers as did the young lady with the healing hands, Linda Malseed. The marauding maverick from Macarthur, Malseed, is steadily improving her game and she could be anything in the future. Ray Sanders’ win in the doubles helped push his team over the line. For the Ravens, their absolute superstar Shirley Thomas was simply splendiferous in winning her three rubbers and she is just a class act each week. Rhonda Ritchie and Shirley Garner both won a single game but were bitterly disappointed with the loss. However Garner did go crazy after her win against Sanders.
*Three Wise Monkeys posted an emphatic eight rubbers to three win against a shell shocked Black Bears. The menacing, but sagacious duo of Jeff Schurmann and Jeff Donovan both won their three rubbers and you really should not mess with these two grumpy old men. The Bears played some very unattractive table tennis and captain Allan Austin needs to get a bit of mongrel into his troops. Carol Lawrence, who runs the printing works at the Spectator, toiled hard for one win as did Gay Forsyth. Austin was totally uninspirational with his single win when his fans were screaming for more.
*The final match resulted in a thumping nine rubbers to two win for Jumaro against the Belles. This was indeed a scary victory as both rotten Ronny Gledhill and Lauleti Tuinauvai, with a smile as big as the Luna Park entrance, won their three rubbers in commanding style. Perry Mason’s daughter, Julie, chimed in with one beautiful victory to completely shellac the Belles. The only two wins for the Belles came from Sue Wythe, who had a real dirty night and Elaine Grey.
John Kane