The thirteenth round of Veteran’s A grade table tennis produced the usual array of things that old people get up to when they stay out late on a Thursday night, namely, umpire abuse, discussions about their ailing health, intellectual debates on the meaning of life and on occasions playing some brilliant table tennis. Regarding the latter pursuit, the man with the golden typewriter, Gerard Lucas, came away with the prized scalp of none other than his nemesis for decades, Ian Menzel. Menzel is known as the “Coroner” because he really loves to clinically cut opponents to pieces just for a bit of fun and he has been scarring the hell of the old veterans for years. Lucas is a proud man who will not accept pusillanimous defeat and when it was his turn to face Menzel, he strode to the podium yelling “I’m not taking this crap any more” and “Your ass is mine tonight, Menzel”. When a truculent big Gezza Lucas is angry, he is just off his face and the Coroner knew that this would be a fight to the death.
Lucas proceeded to smash Menzel off the court in three straight sets and the milling rent-a-crowd could not believe what they had witnessed. Lucas is back in town and the lads in the North Hamilton Rotary Club can once again take their man seriously. On the strength of Lucas’ three wins, he led his Sooz Boyz team to a six rubbers to five win over Dingbats. The “Hatchet Man” Peter Crane was inspired to win his required two rubbers whilst Sue Irvin was too busy hero worshipping her captain and was all at sea with no wins.
For the gallant Bats, Menzel (a magnificent champion) won two rubbers and Fred Onnen and Raelene Roberts both secured a single victory in what was truly a fantastic tussle.
*In another entertaining match-up that went very late in the evening, Gasconades finally had something to brag about after they defeated Ephemerals six rubbers to five. For the winners, the “Incredible Hulk” Greg Whelan and that sneaky old former pencil salesman, Geoff Elkins, both won two rubbers, whilst the shadowy underworld figure of Frankie “Knuckles” Marcollo won a single. Whelan has just recently returned from a monster three days of Country Week table tennis and I will leave it up to him to clear his name. For the Ephemerals the rampaging old cow cocky Kevin Fitzgerald won two rubbers and this old fella still has what it takes to play some scintillating table tennis, even at his advanced age. The little porno star, Denys “Hollywood” Dodd, also won two graphic victories and his standing in our great game will soon reach a climax.
*Sheedy Pies had an easy eight rubbers to three win over the comedy trio Kel Kath and Kim. The Pies are a well-oiled machine that make very few mistakes and they are just motoring along inexorably to the grand final action in August. Pies captain, Maurice Jolly, is as controversial as they come but he also matches his eccentricities with a fair slab of raw dyslexic talent. When Jolly fronts his opponents, it’s either Sydney or the bush and this laconic old buzzard really knows how to entertain the gallery. In addition to Jolly’s three wins, Peter Anson won two rubbers as did that nasty “Toecutter”, John Crane. I like these boys’ style because the three of them stand toe to toe and have a real red-hot go and, as a result, they provide a nice bit of entertainment to their geriatric groupies.
The KKK’s played like they were a dropped pie! John Kane managed to bluff his way to two wins but big, bad Billy Edge and Annette Moore had a very unattractive outing with absolutely no wins at all. Edge did however stun the crowd with some audacious return of serve against a disbelieving Jolly during the doubles and it was pretty to watch.
*The remaining game between Underdogs and Hayseeds went the punters way with the former crushing their foes eight rubbers to three. That little maestro, Stevie Clayton, again won three rubbers and he continues to feast on road kill every Thursday like a Tassie devil. Peter Menzel played beautifully for two salubrious wins and I am just completely unable to rubbish this young man from one week to the next. I really struggle with that concept! Peter Moore won his required game and this man is just impervious to a bit of gratuitous criticism, so I admit defeat. With Barry Hay still stalking Nelson Mandela and Bishop Tutu in South Africa, his beloved Hayseeds are falling apart without his unique style of leadership. Alois Kniebeiss tried real hard for two impressive wins in unfriendly waters and everyone appreciates his magnificent approach to the game. But why does he smile so much? I’m looking forward to his match against the Smiling Assassin which will be a lovely little affair. The Episcopal (look that one up in your Funk & Wagnal) Keith Bell won a single rubber whilst the delightful Robyn Donovan had a great night out without a scalp
B Grade:
Ravens had a terrific seven rubbers to four win over the Belles. In a very even team performance Shirley Thomas and Michael Bathman won two rubbers each whilst a fired up Shirley Garner returned to the winners list with one classy win. The poor old Belles sat out a lot of dances with only their inspirational captain, Sue Wythe, able to distract the Ravens from completely picking the eyes from their prey. Wythe won her three games, Elaine Grey a single win but Deanna Dunn had a dirty night scoring a blob against some pretty good opposition.
*Black Bears scored a decisive eight rubbers to three win over a very dispirited Jumaro outfit. That old larrikin fish poacher, Graham Young, baited his opponents for three magnificent wins and it is always a pleasure to see his weather-beaten old dial trawling down the centre corridor asking where the fish are biting. The sisters were doing it for themselves as Carol Lawrence and Gaye Forsyth both contributed two wins to complete a dominating performance by the Bears. The only one to stop the Bears from completely destroying the honey-pot was Ron Gledhill, who heroically collected two scalps during the battle. Marlene Venning and Julie Mason had a real mongrel of a night and returned to their bunker winless.
*Mia continued on their merry way with an easy seven rubbers to four win over Three Wise Monkeys. The gregarious dynamic duo of Milton Thomas and Anne De Vries snagged two wins each whilst the ebullient, but sneaky Ian Clare smashed his way to a single victory to completely overpower their opponents. What has happened to the Monkeys? The old tree swingers are really struggling at the moment and they must get ugly if they want to match it with the big boys. Jeff Schurmann and Helen White tasted victory on two occasions but Gwen Charman didn’t fire a shot all evening.
*In the final match topside Bombers handed out a nice old belting to the Blue Heelers nine rubbers to two during an awesome display. As expected, Stuart McIntosh won his three games and Robyn Burger was very stylish in her two wins. Lauleti Tuinauvai, a former Tongan light heavyweight boxing champion and one of the beautiful people from Coleraine, made his long awaited debut in our great game and walked away with two stunning wins. The only one to taste success for the Heelers was the main man himself, Gerald Healy, who put together two gutsy victories against extreme odds.
John Kane