The semi finals of Veterans A grade table tennis have been played and a most unlikely hero has emerged from the pack. Underdogs defeated Soozboyz on the last contest of the night, six rubbers to five in a fascinating little battle between some really old washed up superstars from another era. It all came down to the last game between the two number three ranked players in Sue Irvin and Peter Moore to decide who would progress straight to the grand final in two weeks time. In the red corner you had Sue Irvin, the impeccably bred little filly with a top class furniture store to match and playing her first year in A grade after some good runs in B grade last year. The punters sent this girl out as the favourite on a track that should have suited the diminutive pocket rocket. In the ugly corner you had Peter Moore, the aged gelding who was running in blinkers, a syringe full of an illegal substance and one crook fetlock.
Moore is afraid of no man and very few women and he was feeling pretty good about playing the decider in front of such a large crowd. Well, you wouldn’t read about it, Moore absolutely flogged Irvin in three easy sets to allow his beloved Dogs a straight passage to the big granny. Irvin made a fundamental mistake that all other players in the A grade competition are very well aware of. If you want to beat this man, all you have to do is get him talking and mucking around and he loses every time! Irvin never said a word to Moore during the contest and, as a result, the latter was forced to concentrate and showed what he was capable of under enormous pressure. This was indeed a popular victory for the garrulous Moore and his standing in our great game has been elevated even further. Dogs captain, Steve Clayton, won his three rubbers without too much trouble and he just needs to keep the lid on his boys leading up to the big one. Peter Menzel claimed one win but is capable of more when asked by the main man, Clayton. For the losers, Gerard Lucas won two rubbers but he was just emotionally out of control leading up to the deciding match. This man needs to relax a little more when the pressure cooker goes up a notch or two. The Hatchet man, Peter Crane, kept his fans happy with two supercelestial victories whilst a bitterly dejected Irvin scored absolutely no wins.
*In the other semi, Sheedy Pies scored a six rubbers to five win over Ding Bats. This contest was also decided in the last game of the night between the Toe-cutter, John Crane and the Smiling Assassin, Raelene Roberts. The Assassin smashed Crane the previous week in the decider and she reckoned she could do it again. Crane went home and belted his dog up after his shock loss last week and was not keen to repeat the dose after complaints from neighbours. The Toe-cutter used his stanley knife to brutally amputate two toes from each Assassin foot over three entertaining sets to secure victory for the Pies. Craney, you are a champion, old fella! The tri-sexual Pies’ captain, Maurice Jolly, planted a big smooch on his new found hero which Crane, fortunately, found very unexciting. Jolly and Peter Anson both won two rubbers and Crane the single to put the Bats out of finals contention. Watch out for the anchoritic Anson in the preliminary final as this man has a proclivity to produce the shock result when he has a crowd looking on. For the dejected Bats, the Coroner, Ian Menzel, won his regulation three rubbers and this boy is just a superstar, year after year. Big, bad, bustling Billy Edge had just the one win but he transformed into a top class magician on the night when he completely disappeared when another vital rubber needed to be won! Sorry Billy, but you know my rules. The Assassin had a real dirty night scoring a nasty blob and it was her turn to belt up the dog when she sped home in a rage.
The preliminary final, to be played in the PVI cattleyards, will be between Sheedy Pies and Soozboyz and if Lucas loses, his staff will not want to come to work on Friday, that’s for sure!
Top side Bombers handed out a nice old fashioned hiding to second placed Mia, six rubbers to one. Mia were never in the hunt and we all now know what Mia stands for - MISSING IN ACTION! Bombers captain, Stewie McIntosh was hurt by last weeks shock loss to Shirley Thomas and he was always going to make someone pay for this little slip up. Old Stewie absolutely clobbered the two opponents he had to play and he was in a vicious frame of mind. McIntosh, even older than Geoff Elkins, came to Australia for the gold rush in 1850 and apparently is still prospecting for his “Welcome Stranger”. What a legend! Robyn Burger is also a classy bit of work and her two wins completely shut down any glimmer of resistance from a pusillanimous Mia. Ken Brand completes a trio of uncompromising and callous Bombers and his single win just added insult to injury in what was an uneven and gruesome belting. Poor old Mia wished that they were home watching Kath and Kim’s new comedy series on TV rather than being humiliated by the Bombers. Milton Thomas won the only game for his team and he has no idea how to beat the rampaging Bombers. Anne De Vries and Ian Clare were simply out of their depth and they might have to get on the old jungle juice before their next game if they are to have any chance.
*Black Bears scored an easy six rubbers to two win over Jumaro. The hero for the Bears was none other than Gay Forsyth, who won the two rubbers she contested. This young lady has escaped my attention during the season for some reason and she was interested as to why she didn’t cop a nickname. Unlike most of the poor old Vets, this girl has class and you must look after the ones that have a bit of quality. Forsyth goes about her work in a quiet, methodical way and before you know it, she’s belted you in three easy sets. I’ve told everyone several times before, be careful of the quiet ones because they’re dammed dangerous! Captain Allan Austin (I love this boy’s dress sense) and Carol Lawrence both won a single rubber to push their team over the line. For the losers, Ronny Gledhill won both rubbers he contested and this laconic old interloper is good enough to play A grade next year. Elizabeth McDonald and Julie Mason had very unattractive evenings, both scoring blobs but I don’t think it would worry these vivacious young ladies who just love being alive.
John Kane