With fifteen rounds completed and only three more until the finals, the Veteran’s A grade table tennis final four looks pretty settled. Gasconades kept their finals aspirations alive by downing third placed Sheedy Pies eight rubbers to three in a real upset win. The star for the winners was none other than the old Boer War veteran himself, Geoffrey Marmaduke Elkins. Elkins won his three rubbers in salubrious style and he proves again and again that just because you’re old and grey and bent doesn’t mean that you have to play euchre and spend half a day reading The Age to get by during his dotage period. Young Elkins appears innocent enough when he struggles onto centre stage but he can turn very nasty when he has winning on his mind. Don’t take pity on this slightly built greyhound because he tends to rip your kidneys and spleen out and feed them to his pet sharks when he gets home! A very dangerous man indeed. Talking about dangerous, a malevolent looking Greg Whelan won two rubbers in typical rampaging style and he has really rocketed to star status this year under Elkin’s tutelage. Continuing the nasty theme, the Godfather, Frankie Marcollo terrorised one opponent who woke up the following morning with the mandatory horse’s head next to him on the pillow. Great stuff Frankie.
Peter Anson won two rubbers for his beloved Pies whilst Andy McGrath tried hard for one win but John Crane had a real mongrel of a night with absolutely no wins.
*In the closest match of the night, second placed Soozboyz just fell over the line against a gallant Kel Kath and Kim six rubbers to five in a real ripsnorter. The man of the moment, that silky smooth silver tail cadet reporter, Gerard Lucas was again inspirational in winning three rubbers amid mounting pressure from the comedy trio. You can image Lucas just hating to lose a game of marbles at Primary School or giving away a bit of his White Knight or chew-chew bar to anyone. This boy is mean but at the same time he is dammed good and he is nurturing a cult following at the present time. Yuk! Sue Irvin also seems to draw a big crowd whenever she plays but these plebeians are only chasing a discount at her furniture store. Irvin’s single win was the pivotal point in her team’s win. Peter Crane put in a real shocker to record a big blob. Crane was in a winning position in all of his matches but he was just like a mad racehorse that gallops to the front of the pack in a long distance race and thinks “what the hell do I do next”. Annette Moore and John Kane both won two matches for the KKK’s but Glenys Dixon’s one win was below her best. Dixon has been holidaying for the past six weeks and was still thinking of the beautiful sunrises in Kakadu.
*Ding Bats handed out a nice old pizzling to the Hayseeds nine rubbers to two. The Coroner, Ian Menzel, won his regulation three rubbers to ensure his superstar status in our great game. Big, bad, bustling Billy Edge knocked down two opponents in a frenzied attack and this man just loves his table tennis at the moment. The “Smiling Assassin”, Raelene Roberts also smashed two opponents into little pieces and some people will not learn that this seemingly gentle young lady is in fact a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Alois Kniebeiss (that is a very classy name) won the only two rubbers for the Seeds, including the long awaited “smile-off” with the Assassin, which was a lovely little affair.
*The final A grade match resulted in an easy eight rubbers to three win for the Underdogs over the Ephemerals. The Dogs will finish on top of the ladder and should go all the way to win the big granny. Steve Clayton dispatched his three opponents to the girgler in quick time and this boy just does not muck around at all when he is centre stage with a bat in his hand. In addition to being mean (just like Lucas), Clayton is lightening fast and takes no prisoners in his quest for immortality. The emotionally erratic, yet remarkably erudite figure of Robert Penny won two delightful rubbers whilst that maniac, Peter Moore, secured his required win under controversial circumstances. For the Ephemerals, captain Kevvy Fitzgerald tried real hard for two great wins and Denys Dodd the single victory. A bedraggled looking Dodd is now trying to grow a beard and is very much resembling Saddam, not Saddam Hussein but Saddam Hu Sucks.
Three Wise Monkeys had a great win over an unlucky Ravens six rubbers to five to keep their premiership hopes alive. The Tarrington organic farmer, Jeff Schurmann, secured two great wins and he seems to be gathering a little bit of momentum after some lacklustre performances this season. That extremely controversial little diva, Helen White, bluffed her way to two inspirational wins and she just loves the table tennis scene. Elizabeth McDonald, a very classy sheila indeed, won her required game and she adds a bit of intelligence amongst some pretty daggy old codgers. For the Ravens, their champion leader Shirley Thomas again won three rubbers and Rhonda Ritchie a single victory.
*Top side Bombers clobbered third placed Black Bears seven rubbers to four. Old Stewie McIntosh belted his three opponents into oblivion and he is just a living legend. Jeff Donovan came out of retirement to crush two foes but Des Banfield had a real dirty night with zero wins. For the Bears Allan Austin, the Austin Powers look-a-like, the man of international mystery and intrigue with the trademark hairy chest and mojo, claimed two wins whilst Carol Lawrence and Jo Howell both won a single rubber.
*Blue Heelers scored a surprise win over the Belles, seven rubbers to four in a very entertaining game. Led by their psychodelic and charismatic captain, Gerald Healy, who won three rubbers the Heelers played some gutsy table tennis to snuff out any resistance from the Belles. The saviour, Linda Malseed and the speeding bus driver, Ray Sanders both won a single rubber to give great support to their hero, Healy. For the Belles Sue Wythe and Elaine Grey both won two rubbers but most interest centred on the clash between Grey and Sanders. Grey absolutely spanked Sanders but he seemed to enjoy that sort of thing.
*The remaining game saw second placed Mia soundly defeat Jumaro seven rubbers to four. Milton Thomas is starting to come good at the business end of the season and his three wins were right from the top shelf. Is this man good enough to beat the messiah, McIntosh? Anne De Vries, the former Dutch wrestling champion, bored two opponents to death with relentless returns and he forms a vital part of Thomas’ strategy for the finals. Ian Clare resembled the Black Knight in Monty Python’s “The Holy Grail” with no arms or legs remaining after being mauled by his three opponents. Rockin’ rollin’ Ronny Gledhill tried hard for two wins and newcomer John McMullan impressed with one win in the big time. Julie Mason played beautifully also for one win.
John Kane